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dmg-0138
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wits.txt
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1997-04-16
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Subject: A nuts dictionary
ABASEMENT An act of faith when a man decides he is not God
(Oliver Wendell Holmes)
ABSTRACT ART A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled, to
the utterly bewildered
(Al Capp)
ACADEMY AWARDS A gold rush in dinner jackets
(ad. fr. Boris Morros)
ACCOMPLISHMENT One percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration
(Thomas Edison)
ACQUAINTANCE A person we know enough to borrow from, but not well enough
to lend to
(Ambrose Bierce)
ACTING An ability to keep and audience from coughing
(Ralph Richardson)
ADAM'S APPLE A protuberance in the throat of man, thoughtfully provided
by nature to keep the rope in place
(Ambrose Bierce)
AD LIBBER A man who stays up all night memorising spontaneous jokes
(Wall Street Journal)
ADMINISTRATION The art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it
exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the
wrong remedy
(ad. fr. Sir Ernest Benn)
ADMIRATION Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves
(Ambrose Bierce)
ADULT An obsolete child
(Dr Seuss)
ADVERTISING The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough
to get money from it
(Stephen Leacock)
AESTHETE A guy who can listen to the "William Tell Overture" without
thinking ot "The Lone Ranger"
(ad. fr. Jack Perlis)
AGGREEABLE Someone who agress with you
(Benjamin Disraeli)
ALLIANCE A union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply in
each other's pockets that they cannot seperately plunder
a third
(Ambrose Bierce)
AMBASSADOR A spy with a title
(Napoleon)
AMERICA The best half-educated country in the world
(Nicolas Murray Butler)
ANATOMY Something everybody has, but it looks better on a girl
(Bruce Raeburn)
APPEASER Someone who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last
(Winston Churchill)
ARCHBISHOP Christian who has attained a rank superior to that
of Christ
(H. L. Mencken)
ARMY A body of men assembled to rectify the mistakes of the
diplomats
(Josephus Daniels)
ART Breaking a hole in the subconscious and fishing there
(Robert Beverly Hale)
AUTOBIOGRAPHY An unrivalled vehicle for telling the truth about other
people
(Philip Guedalla)
AWE Respect with the mouth open
(L. L. Levinson)
(excerpts from "The Wit's Dictionary" by Colin Bowles)